A Joyful Place Called Home

   As an “older” mom and stepmom (my teens are 13 and 16, I’m 45) I am regularly directed step mom questions that as my natural children reach this age I realize are simply questions ALL parents of teenagers are facing.

“my stepson doesn’t want to be in this family at all”

“It is as though an alien has taken over my already strained relationship and now we’re zombies living in one home”

“somehow its all my fault…yet she’s doing nothing to work on our relationship”

Sounds like teenage years to me.  As a high school teacher for many years, I was amazed that children could act appropriately in my classroom, yet their parents would come into the room and about half of them would say/do/act in such a way I would have never tolerated it on a regular day without their parents present as their teacher. One of our boundaries as parents is to say to our children and adult children…”the way you speak to someone, whether it is a family member or someone outside our family is expected to be respectful, kind, and in a manner that allows for relationship, its not okay to blow up, emotionally jab, or use words to attack period…whether at home or at school”

 hmmmm

Teenage union rules somewhat work somewhat like this:

1) regardless of how you feel about your parents, during teenage years you should push all boundaries just to see where they lead to….regardless of it being where you want to go…

2) Hold parents accountable for everything, but do not introspectively examine your own faults or motives

3) When life gets hard, and poor choices are made, then remember Mom and Dad are your “fixers”

Oh…you didn’t know there was a union?  Your child was a member long ago….remember the first childhood union rules?

a) If mom or dad is on the phone, you MUST talk to them regardless of the conversation

b) If mom /or dad is late to church, this will be the morning you are to be most difficult.

Sound familiar?

Teenagers are teenagers. Period.  I happen to have two in residence, two who have moved on to college and life. The first two were my step children…my first experience with teenagers…when my original two were still 5 and 8.  As a teacher then, I thought I had a handle on it….after all I was a youth leader….a high school teacher…a lover of all things youth….

then came my own two stepchildren…..they could go from happy to sulking in 2 minutes flat….and it didn’t take much….then in the same body turn into a 4 year old needing affection in the ssame 15 minutes.   It helped me tremendously to realize we were somewhat repeating age 4.  A need to have independendence.  a need to have supervision, and yet a need to have boundaries enforced when they weren’t capable of seeing their own exhaustion.

 

Round two is going on at my home now.  The teens are 13 and 16.  Mr. I’m six foot four and capable is in residence as is Miss Oh So Mature yet enjoys playing with her childhood things still (for which I am thankful)  What we find as a family is firm boundaries are accepted.  e.g.  dinner will be at 6:30 p.m. every night. They are welcome to bring friends, but dinner is at home except Sunday nights.  Bedtime is non negotiable…they need rest…I’m not above bribery and setting the scene to troll for their desire to be home. Cookies are baking many afternoons when school is out. We feed the masses regularly for breakfast and dinner….but my theory is that what my teenagers need most of all is my time, our influence, our presence in their lives…and that doesn’t happen when they are gone somewhere else all the time. Thursday nights every one of their peers knows its family night at our house, and they are invited to cook , eat, and movie or game with us that night….and they regularly do…

Do they find parental involvement intrusive……probably….but the truth is, our children know that doing our best to be there for them. When the count is down and someone is in trouble, they bring them home to us….when our own are in trouble, they find comfort in knowing we’ll listen, work together, and solve the issue….its gotta be safe to be honest with your parents.  Its asking alot…but they have to know that when they have messed up, and they will…that its “safe” to tell you anything….without a blowup.

and so….eight years after my first run as a parent of teenagers….I find that so much of what I thought were step children issues were actually teenager issues….universal experiences all parents of teenagers…and with the experience of the first two….we know that most of all what our teenagers need is our love, our boundaries, and our listening to them….whether they appear to listen to us or not…..we know they are.