The stepmother often has the ineviable job of being the person who actually makes sure the dreams and desires come together for a child, but the reality of not being appreciated for the effort. Prom was such a time. While we were happy that he was happy to be going, we asked what he needed help with and forsaw some things he didn’t realize he would need help with. We did the transport for fittings, reservations, pictures and helped make sure the details happened when he forgot or didn’t know to see about them. We were thrilled to see him prepare and dress that night, yet he wanted us to have no part of his evening. While he dressed and showed off his outfit for his stepbrother, he carefully didn’t come to where I was, and he preferred I didn’t come to where he was. We held him down long enough to get before pictures for his natural mom, to take him to where they were gathering and his dad stayed long enough to get couple pictures as did the other parents.
After his departure, I emailed his mom with the pictures his father took and posted them on his myspace as requested. We waited up for him and made sure he had rides home. Upon arrival home we happily asked about the details of the night. Again this morning we asked….receiving a 3 minute blunt, emotionless running statement about the order of where they went. No adjectives, no details. But I watch him now, sitting on my deck, legs kicked up, talking through every detail and reliving it all for his mom. The real one. The smile on his face and the expressionate descriptions indeed say he had a good time.
The thing six years has taught me is, this isn’t personal. To him. This, to him, is loyalty to the woman who birthed him, who in his opinion has no responsibility in the choices a judge made that said she couldn’t raise him. This choice happened long before his dad even met me….so its not my doings. In fact, I’m the one who makes sure that he calls, gets back for holidays and works to make sure “Mom” has birthday presents, Mother’s day and Christmas from him….usually from my pocket not his.
For me though, its a regular war to keep down the very fleshy, personally taking it side of me when I day in day out go two extra miles for him and rarely if ever hear a thank you. This is not about step or natural….my natural guys say thank you, so its said regularly in this house, but son1 feels the things I do and work hard to do are simply required…..after all I am somehow in his mind the one who keeps him from his mom. Never mind I came 6 years after she left. You have to know that I am the only full time adult that has been with him since he was 11…even his dad has been gone on deployments several times during this time. The one who stays up late with him in illness, celebrates him in gladness and works with him when school was hard. He spends six to ten days with her a year by her choice, however he only considers the place she lives home. Ever.
Its just the way it is for a stepmother…..and its not about how hard you try or even sometimes how much you love them.
And so, today I smile that though I am not a part of his night last night and he didn’t wish to share it with us, I know that if Dh and I had not put in the effort we did, this night would not have happened….and it is enough. I am simply glad he had a wonderful time.