A Joyful Place Called Home

Archive for the ‘Becoming Queen Mother’ Category

This past week was Blissdom,  a conference for 500 women in Nashville, TN.  It was in a word, the “it” event on my calendar since over a year ago.  People I admire were going to be there, people I love were going to present there, and about 490 others were simply people I knew would be fun to meet!

There are few times in my adult life that I simply attend a conference without a role to play.  Often I am the creative strategist, regularly the support system behind the scenes, and every now and then I am a speaker among others.  Blissdom was the opportunity to simply go be a girl, enjoying herself….and I could.not.wait. to be among all the fabulous bloggers. We arrived to immediately receive a Blissdom bag filled to the brim with Bliss….how fun it was!

When you gather 500 women one always wonders if it will roll out as high school …you know cliques of fancy, the geeks, the “in” crowd, the athletic girls, the bandies…..and truthfully that always makes me shiver at the thought for high school was a pretty difficult place for me ….I was one of those invisible people that everyone thought well enough of, but no one knew personally…one of my adult life passions is making sure that no person in my presence is left with the impression that they are unimportant, or not a part of whatever the group. Blissdom is every age, size, color, and type of woman imaginable and they were all beautiful to me….I loved seeing such diverse spirits come together in a time called Blissdom.

Allison Worthington had a vision for a conference where the darker sides of girl gatherings would not happen. A place where all bloggers would be appreciated and part of the group.  I saw and experienced the best of womanhood happening time and time again. Women sharing their lives, reaching out to others, taking care of one another, passing babies around in awe and deeply filling each other’s value cup.  Alli would be the first to say in her sweet teasing voice “I’ll be the first to “shank” anyone who purposefully hurts anyone else’s feelings.”  Blissdom is intentionally about inclusion and community.  I met old friends, gained new perspectives and will walk away with a few new friends who will forever own a piece of my heart…and a new respect for our sponsor companies.  As an aside, the companies who were with us I have always appreciated, but they too gained heart real estate as I watched how they came together and took risks to support 500 women unobtrusively to the conference, simply enriching our experience.   Blissdom met its goal in creating an environment where women would bond together in friendship. I would love to have the words to describe the gatherings in the evenings that went into the late hours…but suffice it to say that 500 women were delighted by the sponsors generosity to pamper and give them the best girlfriend parties ever in some of the most beautiful settings in Nashville. Each party unique and wonderful and fun, all at the same time!  Diverse, alive, wonderful groups of women.

Blissdom is a an amazing gathering of women. All kinds of women…but the thing I absorbed and drank in over and over again like a Route 44 fresh from Sonic on a scorching hot day was the opportunity to be with five hundred of the most intelligent women who were willing to share their hearts, the goals, their hopes, their experiences and their lives…. and it happened non-stop for 3 days…the giggling, the tears, the stories, and the fun….toss in a little Harry Connick Jr to delight us, the amazing speaker Kevin Carroll to take our breaths away while he challenged us to rethink our choices …well…it was…Bliss.  It was a walk in another part of a land that was almost magical at Opryland’s Gaylord Resort where there are staff 24/7 keeping the Bliss in every way…

My sweet husband drove up last  night to surprise his bride and we finished my time in Nashville together…yet another reason I love him dearly….he knows that my bliss could not be complete in this experience without him.

I loved seeing every one of you who were at Blissdom,  hearing your stories and I want you to know you were all a part of my personal bliss. Thank you for sharing you with me!

   As an “older” mom and stepmom (my teens are 13 and 16, I’m 45) I am regularly directed step mom questions that as my natural children reach this age I realize are simply questions ALL parents of teenagers are facing.

“my stepson doesn’t want to be in this family at all”

“It is as though an alien has taken over my already strained relationship and now we’re zombies living in one home”

“somehow its all my fault…yet she’s doing nothing to work on our relationship”

Sounds like teenage years to me.  As a high school teacher for many years, I was amazed that children could act appropriately in my classroom, yet their parents would come into the room and about half of them would say/do/act in such a way I would have never tolerated it on a regular day without their parents present as their teacher. One of our boundaries as parents is to say to our children and adult children…”the way you speak to someone, whether it is a family member or someone outside our family is expected to be respectful, kind, and in a manner that allows for relationship, its not okay to blow up, emotionally jab, or use words to attack period…whether at home or at school”

 hmmmm

Teenage union rules somewhat work somewhat like this:

1) regardless of how you feel about your parents, during teenage years you should push all boundaries just to see where they lead to….regardless of it being where you want to go…

2) Hold parents accountable for everything, but do not introspectively examine your own faults or motives

3) When life gets hard, and poor choices are made, then remember Mom and Dad are your “fixers”

Oh…you didn’t know there was a union?  Your child was a member long ago….remember the first childhood union rules?

a) If mom or dad is on the phone, you MUST talk to them regardless of the conversation

b) If mom /or dad is late to church, this will be the morning you are to be most difficult.

Sound familiar?

Teenagers are teenagers. Period.  I happen to have two in residence, two who have moved on to college and life. The first two were my step children…my first experience with teenagers…when my original two were still 5 and 8.  As a teacher then, I thought I had a handle on it….after all I was a youth leader….a high school teacher…a lover of all things youth….

then came my own two stepchildren…..they could go from happy to sulking in 2 minutes flat….and it didn’t take much….then in the same body turn into a 4 year old needing affection in the ssame 15 minutes.   It helped me tremendously to realize we were somewhat repeating age 4.  A need to have independendence.  a need to have supervision, and yet a need to have boundaries enforced when they weren’t capable of seeing their own exhaustion.

 

Round two is going on at my home now.  The teens are 13 and 16.  Mr. I’m six foot four and capable is in residence as is Miss Oh So Mature yet enjoys playing with her childhood things still (for which I am thankful)  What we find as a family is firm boundaries are accepted.  e.g.  dinner will be at 6:30 p.m. every night. They are welcome to bring friends, but dinner is at home except Sunday nights.  Bedtime is non negotiable…they need rest…I’m not above bribery and setting the scene to troll for their desire to be home. Cookies are baking many afternoons when school is out. We feed the masses regularly for breakfast and dinner….but my theory is that what my teenagers need most of all is my time, our influence, our presence in their lives…and that doesn’t happen when they are gone somewhere else all the time. Thursday nights every one of their peers knows its family night at our house, and they are invited to cook , eat, and movie or game with us that night….and they regularly do…

Do they find parental involvement intrusive……probably….but the truth is, our children know that doing our best to be there for them. When the count is down and someone is in trouble, they bring them home to us….when our own are in trouble, they find comfort in knowing we’ll listen, work together, and solve the issue….its gotta be safe to be honest with your parents.  Its asking alot…but they have to know that when they have messed up, and they will…that its “safe” to tell you anything….without a blowup.

and so….eight years after my first run as a parent of teenagers….I find that so much of what I thought were step children issues were actually teenager issues….universal experiences all parents of teenagers…and with the experience of the first two….we know that most of all what our teenagers need is our love, our boundaries, and our listening to them….whether they appear to listen to us or not…..we know they are.

 

Sometimes you simply survive long enough in life regardless of the subject, that later you realize you are the one who has travelled the road where others seek assistance . We’ve been a step family for over seven years, almost eight.  The beginning of our life as a step family was not unlike others experiences….the dad and the bride were so far into themselves and their rose colored glasses, that we didn’t see the crisis our marriage would create for our children.  They were happy we were to be married, excited with us for the new family…right up to the moment where the fantasy met reality.   The older children would face not only a new stepmom, they would face a new community, a new state, and new distance from their natural mom.  My two would face a new step dad, a mom who was not THE one in charge any more, two older siblings that would ursurp their birth order position in the family….lots of changes.
   As a teacher I was aware that children go through alot of emotions with a new marriage…however, being the human I am, I really didn’t consider that my new step children wouldn’t simply accept me as offered a new step mom who adored them…after all, hundreds of my students did each year….lets just say the first year was an eye opening experience…and the view seven years later…well I simply shake my head at my naiveity….but I wouldn’t trade this new, nor old family for the world
…more to come…

Some folks dream of owning a yacht cruising in the sunset….cruising endless yard sales from sunup to sunset is more my speed…..I simply love to see what I can find to recreate or make my own from what is not valued by another. Today I had the MOST wicked fun time with Mrs. Goofy in the next metro over…Huntsville. We began our runs in an unfamiliar town, with the unfamiliar car and alot of great talk time! The thing about Civic’s is you can u-turn in 1/3 the space of my old van…..and u-turn we did….quite regularly in fact…..I have to share the two finds of the week I love best so far…

The chair is a Henredon linen chair for $10 that matches my bedroom and the chandelier for $20 has that absolute Queen Mother shapely swirls to it, and I’ll work some Nester magic on it and begin the transformation from drab Master bedroom to Her Majesty’s Suite…..the light also came with additional real crystal crystals…not plastic! Wahoo. I needed new clothes in a size down and low and behold my favorite brand (Naughton ) and (Elizabeth and Chaus) I scored a skirt for $1, 2 silky shirts from Chaus for $2 and a precious pair of capri khaki overalls for $3! Add to that a jacket for $5 and a set of five square pyrex sauce servers for $4 and I had one lovely day! Mrs. Goofy may be worse for the wear when the country girl was turned loose in city traffic with a car that could move, but I believe a good time was had by all….and I truly look forward to another road trip with you Mrs. Goofy!